Honour Your Parents.
Is it still important to honour your parents? What should we do if our parents are abusive? Stephen March explains the fifth commandment.
The Fifth Commandment – Honour Your Parents
As we get into the fifth commandment, we will see a shift in direction from the first four. Those ones, all dealt with our attitude and relationships directly with God. For number five onward, they will deal with how we are to interact with our fellow man. This is done with a purpose. In Matthew’s gospel chapter 22, Jesus is asked what the greatest commandment is. His answer was this:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbour as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
These two commandments that Jesus give, tie in perfectly with the structure of the ten commandments. Without the foundation of the first four, God-centred commandments, the remaining six would not be able to hold up, there would be no basis for morality in them. Note though, that that does not in any way make them less important. The other things we’ll notice with the remaining six commandments, is that many of them have made it into our civil laws today. With very good reason, they’re practical, and they’re good.
Commandment Number Five
In Exodus 20:12, we find commandment number five, it reads,
“Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
The idea of honouring our parents can be difficult in its interpretation. Of course there are the given ones, for younger children a lot of this will result around obedience. Ephesians 6:1 puts it very directly,
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
In Colossians 3:20 says
“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”
And while this is a good reminder for us, I don’t think we really need to explore this in great detail as it is pretty self-explanatory. I would point out for parents, fathers specifically, that we are not to provoke our children to anger.
How Does it Relate to Adults
But how does this command relate to us now as adults? Once we are on our own, have our own families, and are no longer under the authority of our parents? To address this properly, I think that we have to look at it from two separate angles. The first, as being raised by godly, or at least good parents, and the second, being children of distant, absent, or even abusive parents. The latter obviously carrying a much higher degree of difficulty. Myself, being the son of good, and fair parents, it is easier for me to speak on that, so I’ll start there. And just a side note, most of these will apply to the other path as well, just in different ways.
Respect of Authority
Remember how my question asked how we honour our parents as adults, when we are no longer under their authority? Well, the first way we can do that is to respect their authority. Let me explain. In certain business, or on boards of directors, there will sometimes be an individual who has served for a long time, and served well in that capacity. Upon retirement, they may be given an honorary title of President emeritus, or Chariman Emeritus.
What that means is simply that they are continuing to be honoured for the role they served, though they do not have any binding authority on the company, or vote on the board, they can still be involved in the discussions, and their input is valued by the organization. We were under our parents authority for a good part of our lives, and if we consider ourselves to be decent people, then chances are at least some of that is a result of their influence on us growing up. Do we respect that? Do we thank them for that, often?
A Second Way to Honour
It also leads to a second way we can honour our parents today which is to seek their wisdom and council. When we are faced with difficult decisions and situations, we can lean on our parents for advice and counsel, chances are they’ve been through something similar before, and they love us and want what’s best for us. Proverbs gives us the same advice. In 6:20 it says
“My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you, when you lie down they will watch over you, and when you awake, they will talk with you.”
Later on, in Proverbs 23:22 we read,
“Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.”
If listening to our parents got us this far, then even though we like our independence, there is still value in listening to them today.
The second part of that last verse in Proverbs, gives us more practical advise for honouring our parents, and that involves taking care of them when they need it, or simply being there for them, not ignoring them, or leaving them alone. 1 Timothy 5 seems to talk about this in more detail. In verse 3 it reads
“Honour widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing to the Lord.”
This was written as instruction to the church, and it doesn’t mean that the church is to neglect to support such widows, but the latter half of this passage is given as a reminder to us that we are to support our parents in their need, as it is pleasing to God.
The Foundation of the Latter Six
Remembering that the first four commandments are the foundation for the latter six, the way we act in these areas becomes, in a very real way, a picture or reflection of our love and devotion to God. Again, we know that no one is justified by the keeping of the commandments, but we can glorify God in our lives, by conducting ourselves in a manner which is in line with God’s desire for us.
Neglectful and Abusive Parents
So this is all well and good for those of us who have always had healthy relationships, with good and loving parents. But what about if our parents were neglectful, or even abusive? How can we show honour to those who don’t deserve honour? Understand that a lot of what follows falls into the category of easier said than done, and with the acknowledgement that while every situation is nuanced, these will be more generic in nature.
A good starting point would be Romans 12:17-21. There we read this;
“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honourable in the sight of all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. To the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
This is a great guiding principle for every situation, but when it comes to honouring parents who have caused so much pain in our lives, it helps by reminding us that we can start that by simply wishing no harm. And believe me, I understand how difficult even that can be, it is natural for us to want justice, and sometimes we see justice as having the other person suffer as much as we have suffered at their hands. But once again, we remember the first four commandments, and God’s example to us in Christ.
A Demonstration of God’s Love
In Romans 5:8 we have that beautiful verse that God demonstrated His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Two verses later, in verse 10, Paul adds
“For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, now that we are reconciled shall we be saved by His life.”
This verse really gives us the example of what Paul was talking about in Romans 12. We were not worthy of honour, or salvation, but God, in His ultimate love for mankind offers it to us through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus. Therefore, for us to honour a negligent, absent, or abusive parent by desiring that no harm come upon them, and even praying for them and their salvation, for them to understand the harm they have caused and repent.
This involves forgiveness, which is another way we can honour them. And it can be very hard to forgive someone in these situations, which again, is why we need the grace of our God to help us. Now I do want to point out a couple things here that are sometimes overlooked.
Forgiveness
First, forgiveness and desiring no harm does not mean being anti-justice or punishment for crimes committed. If a parent has broken the civil laws of the country they live in, they do need to be held accountable to that. We can personally forgive a person, while still recognizing that there is a need for social reconciliation. Often times, court ordered incarceration, counselling, or substance abuse programs will play a major role in the personal reform of the individual. A person can be forgiving and still need to turn someone over to the authorities to get them the help they need, or sadly, to get themselves out of an abusive situation.
Chastisement
That’s not dishonouring, in fact, in Hebrews the Bible talks about chastisement, and the basis for chastisement is love, to lead to correction. The other thing to mention here, is that relational reconciliation is not always possible in these situations. Abuse can cause deep hurt that stays with a person for their entire life. And sometimes there is just no way an individual is able to be in the same place as their abuser, because the lasting pain is just too real, too constant. The person might be unwilling to change, and to reconcile the relationship would put them back into harm’s way. So yes, we can still forgive and pray for someone, even if a personal relationship with them is not possible.
Reconciliation is the Best Outcome
When dealing with a parent who has caused harm, it is good to ask the question, would restoring the relationship aid, or hinder my desire to honour them? If being in their presence will cause you to disrespect them, or even hate them, how is that honouring? If they’re not reformed, and being in their presence will cause them to sin again, how is that honouring? In a perfect world reconciliation is the best outcome, unfortunately, and we see this through the purpose of the ten commandments, we know that we live in fallen world, that is far from perfect. Thankfully, we have God’s grace available to us, and His love, and His comfort.
So honour you father and your mother, because in doing so you honour God, and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Do you think the 10 Commandments are still important today? We would love to hear from you. Comment below or contact us at HopeStreamRadio.
Stephen March
Stephen March is the President of FBH International and HopeStreamRadio. He graduated from the Broadcasting Program at Niagara College in 2001, and has previously worked in television production and post-production.
Stephen lives in St. Catharines, Ontario, with his wife Corinne and their four children.
Read and hear more from Stephen March on his contributor’s page. Stephen currently has 5 Programs on HopeStreamRadio:
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