Being a caregiver is a tiring, challenging and demanding task, while caregiver burnout is a constant threat. In this series of posts, Bobbi Junior brings her unique perspective to bear on the subject of Christian caregiving.
Bobbi Junior is a contributor to our Christian internet radio station through her program entitled “Not Me Lord.”
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Jesus Knew That Rules Could Be Changed
In Mark 2:18 we’re told that John’s disciples fasted. People came to Jesus and asked why his disciples didn’t. It wasn’t that Jesus didn’t respect the law, didn’t believe it was important. It was that he knew this circumstance was different. Because people asked, he explained. But he didn’t defend himself, and he didn’t argue about it. He simply did what was right for him.
A few weeks before Draya was to come home from hospital, a man who was also quadriplegic told us, “90% of rehab begins when you get home. Remember what you’ve been taught here by the occupational therapists, but don’t be afraid to figure out your own way of doing things.”
He was so right. From his position living the experience Draya was just beginning, this man gave us permission to figure out our own ways of managing Draya’s limitations. We learned to rig things up so she could access as much as possible on her own. We placed her TV on a rolling stand tall enough for her to view when she was in bed. Industrial Velcro found at the hardware store held her remote control to the side of the stand. If Draya woke in the night, she could turn the TV on herself, much better than laying helpless in the dark. Her father and I were always aware that depression was a possibility, so we worked to ensure she could stay busy if she needed to.
Draya’s Van
When Draya got her insurance money, one of the first things she did was purchase a brand new wheelchair accessible van. She was 18 years old now, and so were her friends. In order to get out and do the things young adults do, her friends were the ones to drive her places. I recall bringing her van into the shop where we’d purchased it to have something adjusted. The mechanic was appalled when he saw the van. There were pop cans in the back. Gum was stuck to one seat. There was a dent on one fender. And a flimsy frame holding up a foot rest was bent.
“These kids are ruining this thing,” he exclaimed.
Ruining? I thought. No. Using it well? Yes.
“These kids are 17, 18, 19 years old,” I told him. “They’re just getting used to driving. And it’s Draya’s van, not mine. She can keep an eye on it. It’ll be fine,”
He looked at me like I was a little off balance.
“This thing cost $64,000 lady.”
“I know,” I replied. “I wrote the cheque for my daughter to sign. And when she did, she cried ‘Freedom!’”
Another thing Jesus’ life teaches us is the need to –
Delegate
This is so important for Caregivers to know, to believe, and carry out.
In Matthew 10 Jesus gave his disciples the authority to drive out impure spirits and heal disease. Until now Jesus was the only one who had carried out these tasks. The time had come to delegate responsibility to carefully chosen others.
But first, and this is the mark of a skilled caregiver, he took time to give them good instructions. He taught them what worked in the realm of healing – things they wouldn’t know, because they’d never done it before.
Delegation is hard for a caregiver. In many ways, it’s easier to just do the job yourself.
For me, an introvert, perhaps the hardest part of all was educating each new home care provider who came to our house. I knew how Draya liked things done. I knew what worked best for her. It was important that I take the time to teach each new person so they’d get off to a good start.
At first most of them didn’t do the tasks as well as I did, the same as the disciples couldn’t always do the job of healing as well as Jesus. Still, with teaching and effort, the disciples, and Draya’s home care became more skilled. And when that happened, I could take more time for myself, something every caregiver knows is critical if we’re to keep going.
As the delegated workers took on more of Draya’s care, I began to discover that I could be Mom again. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but somewhere along the way Draya had become a job to me. I was her safety net, her hands and feet. I kept her body functioning. We had lost our mother/daughter relationship.
When home care supports were finally in place, we regained that. As the mother of another disabled youth put it, “You can hire home care, but you can’t hire a Mom.”
Draya and I both learned I wasn’t the only one who could care for her successfully.
Previous posts in this series: Part 1, Part 2
Bobbi Junior
Read and hear more from Bobbi Junior on the contributor’s page. You can also find Bobbi at her website, The Reluctant Caregiver, at bobbijunior.com
Bobbi’s program, “Not Me Lord” airs on HopeStreamRadio.
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Images:
Photo of minivan: IFCAR
Wheelchair image courtesy of: Elizabeth Flores
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